What pisses me off is that I was too scared to say anything or fight back. I act tough but i’m a coward. Next time, I need to stand up for myself. You know what? What the fuck man. Im so into trying to make myself look tough that I pick stupid things to be upset about that aren’t even worth my time. Just stop thinking about it. Don’t fight. Humble yourself down. Fight when you need to.
Hanging out with Aaron today for the first time. I will not make myself look easy.
- No holding hands
- No cuddling
- No touching
- No making out
- No nothing.
No no no. Okay Cynthia? Be hard to get, this isn’t even a date.
ϟ No escape.
I can’t shake this feeling off of me. I’ve tried everything. Sleeping, exercising, eating, watching tv, watching movies, listening to music, singing, painting my nails, everything. Anything to get this feeling out of me. Even reading won’t work. I try to read the stories and escape into the world inside the book but it won’t fucking work anymore. I tried cutting, smoking. And even though cutting and smoking doesn’t help escape either, I still want to do it cause I feel like I’m a piece of shit and I deserve to hurt and slowly waste away. Like honestly….. why am such a worthless bag of shit? What the fuck is my problem. I’m a fucking attention seeking bitch. Ugha;lsdfj see now im crying. Sometimes I just really want to kill myself.
ϟ I’m not doing so well.
I’ve just been super… i don’t know. I guess you could call it lonely? I haven’t given up yet, but I’m scared that I will soon. I’ve never truly truly given up, but i’m at a legit breaking point, barely hanging on to a string. It got to a point where nothing big has to happen to cause me to cut myself, I just do it out of sheer depression, boredom, just anything. I do it without seeing the point in doing it; which is stupid, but I really don’t care. Never said this, but once in a while, I would have a cig with my best friend, Su. Once in a while as in like once or twice a year and that’s it. I feel bad for continuously putting her in the spot and asking for one, making her feel like a bad friend, but it’s whatever, I think she’s a great friend. I can’t ask her for awhile anyway cause I did it last Sunday and she’ll start getting worried that i’m going to get addicted or something. I think I’m starting to cause when I did it all those times before, it was just for once in a while “fun”, but now I’m starting to crave it. But yea… I never understood people when they said that they cut or smoked to get rid of their “pain.” I thought that was a lame excuse and it showed that they were weak. Honestly, I get it now. I don’t even know what i’m feeling. I just want it to go away, I keep looking for ways to escape and I can’t find anything! It’s so frustrating! What can I do?! All I want to do is smoke or cut now and I’m fucking scared of how I’ll turn out but I’m also starting to not give a fuck… which makes me even more scared. I can imagine all that i’m capable of doing once i snap and get to that point of not caring anymore.
I really don’t know what I want….
ϟ Today’s Schedule.
My bad i’ve been so inactive, I made a public tumblr again so i’ve been on that! Haha I noticed i’m starting to vent my feelings on there again so yea needa stop that. i don’t see the point of that tumblr, really…. haha anyways!
my to-do list:
10:15-10:30 eat breakfast brush my teeth/wash my face, etc. 10:45 take a walk outside (can be in my bikini for even tan)
a little problem occured along the way so now I must reschedule everything
12:00-12:30 — read Knowing God 12:45 -1:00 — relax 1:00-1:30 — eat lunch? 1:30-2:15 — study for SAT
- 2:15-3:00 — excercise
3:15- 3:35 — eat a small snack 3:40~ — read my 3rd book (The Outsiders) until…. 5:30~ — dinner time!
- 6:30 — freedom to do what I want (LT maybe?)
*Extra things to do: Call Mom, Grandma & Grandpa, call Aunt Young, check up with my sponsors, set up for Su’s birthday present, 5/29/12
ϟ Summer 2012 Lehgoo!!
Starting tomorrow, Wednesday, May 23, 2012, it’s the summer, baby let’s get it!! Ahh! Haha i’m so freaking excited! After all the hard work this year, it’s finally over, and now it’s time to start living! First day’s all planned out. Going to school tomorrow with all my stuff packed, finishing the rest of my finals, then i’m out at 11 o’ clock, niggas! Straight to NRB with everyone, singing it out and losing my voice, then leaving to Sora’s place to get ready for Eddy’s graduation! After graduation, Eddy’s parents are taking me, Sora, Sunny, and most likely EJ out to eat. I feel kind of bad so I might slip a 20 to cover the check when they’re not looking. All I got haha! Then Sora, Sunny and I are heading over to Lifetime to get our work out on for the summer! Then the real thing begins!
Haha shoot im hyped!
Going out every day, mall and movies, shopping, going to the lake, the park, little get away vacation with friends at a hotel, night swimming, sleep overs, group movie nights and get togethers, sophomore i mean junior Girls’ Night Outs ;), late night adventures, finally getting to see my mom, World Changers, E2 Retreat, just so much to do!
Summer ain’t ready for me! Crazy memories bout to be made this year.
Oh how badly I want to smoke weed and drink and be in a relationship……..i’ve been trying so hard to stop myself for so long i’m just losing my patience. I want it now. What sucks is, that it’s the summer in two days. Bout to live life like an idiot folks. See ya round!
ϟ 5/20/12 3:25 AM
Yes! My dancing is improving! Man I was mad depressed a few hours ago cause I was watching Kyle Hanagami, Brian Puspos, Ian Eastwood, Chachi Gonzales, Eve Khoe, etc. and trying out their dances. Impossible. Like they need to put up slow mos or tutorials or something cause I have no chance. haha just playin, but yea I was getting crazy inspired but also mad discouraged cause I couldn’t follow up with them. I was about to give up and fall asleep but I just kept pushing myself to keep trying. Tried out diff videos and started more with basics; dancing till like 3 and shoooooot already improving! Haha maybe I was just aiming too high. I mean they’ve had teachers and years of practice. I have youtube. Lol so yea, just keep practicing, Cynthia, you’ll get there!
I just want that feel in dance, nah mean? But I can’t really do that unless I know how to dance in the first place. Just dance when i’m happy, sad, etc. I would love that feeling!